“Love yourself” is one of those pieces of advice that sounds great until you are the person sitting there thinking, okay, but how?
How do I love myself if I do not feel particularly lovable? How do I love myself if I learned to be hard on myself very early? How do I love myself if I have spent years ignoring my own needs, second-guessing my feelings, or trying to be acceptable to everyone else?
This comes up a lot in therapy. And my answer often surprises people: through actions!
Not big, dramatic actions, but ordinary ones.
It starts with the very practical decision to stop treating your basic needs like an inconvenience. Feeding yourself when you’re hungry, not because you "earned" food, but because your body needs fuel. Brushing your teeth because your future self deserves teeth that were cared for. Putting on warmer socks when your feet get cold, taking your medication, or going to bed when you’re exhausted, simply because your body needs sleep to function.
These small actions might not feel like self-love in the moment, but love is ultimately about consistency and showing up. By noticing a need and responding to it, you’re treating yourself like someone whose needs actually matter.
Sometimes that care looks like setting a firm boundary: saying no because you simply don't have the capacity, or refusing to ignore your limits to make someone else comfortable. Other times, it looks like giving yourself permission to say yes: to rest, to letting yourself want something, or to eating a decent meal.
This is where self-love overlaps with the concept of reparenting. It means learning to care for yourself in the ways you may not have experienced consistently growing up. Instead of constantly monitoring everyone else’s emotional temperature, you start turning inward and asking, “What do I need right now?” and then taking your answer seriously.
Of course, that can be easier said than done. If you were taught that other people’s comfort comes first, setting limits can feel mean. If you’ve spent a lifetime pushing through exhaustion, resting can feel irresponsible. And if you’re used to criticizing yourself into functioning, being kind to yourself can feel really uncomfortable at first.
The good news is that self-love doesn't require you to feel warm and fuzzy about yourself all the time. It just starts with care. It starts with noticing when something hurts, feels off, or becomes too much, and letting that information actually matter.
And there is no way to do this perfectly, it’s a practice. You’ll still overcommit, say yes when you meant no, or fall back into old patterns. That’s part of the process. Healing takes time, and it doesn’t look like a straight line. It looks like trying and trying again.
So if "loving yourself" feels nice but completely impossible, start smaller. Don't force a feeling. Start with one small, caring action.
If you’d like to explore what this could look like in practical, everyday ways, I’d be happy to talk about whether therapy together might be a good fit.